we're just lost and seeking directions in life X

still lost. 

I just realized i blog at awkward timing but i have been updating with my thoughts and feelings quite often. At least i did something of my new year resolution. 

  i thought i have found a quite big part of myself in 2014, big joke , i didn't. In fact, i lost myself even further now. ( just right at the beginning of the year )  good job , siqing! I almost became the person i didn't wanted and told myself not to become. i thought i was indepedent , i was not. i was dependent on this someone, but now i realized i can't be anymore. i need to be on my own now. i only have me at the end of the day. i still have my responsibilities , a huge burden. Sometimes i wish i could just walk out like this 

   My mind was away most of the time, i mean not in lessons, out of lessons, i'll try my very best to stay focus in lessons, for that's probably the only reason why i go to school now . I disliked school, disliked the people in there and the way things worked. My mind's in a mess , i woke up everyday, feeling unhappy. Like someone just had to piss me off every morning , it's either that or something pisses me off. I tried to convince myself , it isnt that bad. Everyday's a brand new day and everything will get better, i used to say that to others too. Sorry to say, it's all bullshit. that type of words don't work. yeah true, it gets better and then boom, we're back to square one. 

was blessed with this pretty sky after i ended tuition and walked down, these are the things i appreciate. X 

fam dinner #1 of the year

so we wanted to have dinner together yesterday but so that happened ( don't wish to mention that incident again ) , and the dinner got shifted to today. We went to Mad Jack the one at nex as my father got some discount vouchers for his birthday. << BTW THIS IS NOT SOME PAID ADVERTISEMENT. I DONT GET PAID FOR THIS. >> Blogged about this on my free will , i really like this painting on the wall at the restaurant. 

starting off with the drinks my fam ordered. my camomile tea , i didn't really like it as the smell of the flower or what was too overpowering. not my cup of tea. 

my mom's Blood Pressure reducer drink thingie haha. looks like 20% juice, 80% plain water, but surprisingly my mom said that it was not bad. Just realized i forgot to take a picture of my dad's drink. oops.  /

i had the salmon set and it was soooo good!! you guys should try it and we ordered this salad. and my parents had the lamb chop and salad. Oh ya!! and the soft shell crab. I only took like one soft-shelled crab cause i was like staring at the crab and like...urm okay. one bite and no more. Overall experience: the food was not bad and good to have a go!! ( sounded like some food critic LOL ) 

okay till i seeya again //sweats bye!! X 

Helplessness

12:53AM : just got home and before that , had dinner or rather supper with parents. This is gonna be quite a lengthy post so bear with me. I am sorry guys to those who called and texted me , i couldn't  talk on the phone just now, a part of me was still lost for words and i was still recovering from shock and my mind was still in a mess. I have always thought that i was strong and daring. brave. hah, i was none of the above today. I have really never ever felt so scared and helpless in my whole life. 

So it ended up to be a miscommunication , i told my mom that i am going to wait for her at the Bishan Taxi stand like thrice when i was on the phone with her ( when i was still with ca they all cos i know that's like probably the last time i could be contacted with my mom as my phone died )  , but my mom thought i was at the nex taxi stand instead. i think she have been really stressed up really , so you can't blame her. Let's talk about my first hour of waiting, i was starting to worry. Well the first thought of mine have been really scary already, " what if something happened at home? and my parents could not get in touch with me? " I tried to shake that thought off and started looking at the sky , figuring out what time isit. I continued to wait and look at more people getting into the cars they have been waiting for , greeting the people fetching them and smiling. I longed for all those. I told myself to wait. This is when the evil thoughts came in at my 2nd / 3rd hours waiting , this time i was thinking " shit , i should start finding people to borrow phone from. " But it's either, i'm too shy or awkward to go and when i finally picked up my guts, the person left. OR, there's no one at the passenger pick-up point. " 

and another thing i thought of during my first hour of wait was " IS THIS A DREAM?? " i bit my finger really hard that there's still my teethmark now and pinched myself, shit , no, this is reality. Why does it feel so surreal?  then another evil thought , this one's really bad " or maybe i should just run into the road , if i get knocked down and sent to the nearest hospital and i have my identification card so they would know who i am and contact my parents. Well at least they could be contacted. " luckily I didn't heed that thought. I didn't even realized i have waited at the pickup point for a total of 4 hours until my mom told me after all these ended. Think it's either i have a super high patience level or simply , i didn't master the skill of reading the time from the sky colour. At the 3rd hour , i was really helpless , i have began praying since one hour has passed and at the 3rd hour , my prayer to God gets simpler and simpler, it ended up to be only " God, i need a sign. Amen. " i was really scared and really helpless, like i really thought what can i do omg. I really hoped that a stranger will just come up to me and ask, " are you okay? you seemed like you're not okay." I started to regret why didn't i charge my portable charger , why didn't i get another portable in case i used up the other one and so much more 'why's. 

I don't even know why my mind was so blank just now, i felt soooo freaking small. like i just wanna find a corner and just hide there and tremble. I really dislike feeling helpless. In fact, i hate that feeling, i hate to feel that i can't get out of this situation, hate feeling stucked. And the worst part is i have to be stucked like now, what can i do was just to keep walking around the same spot , over again and again. Wanted to leave the pickup point but i scared my parents come and i'm nowhere to be found, the other time this happened i got scolded pretty bad. 

AT LAST, at the so-called last hour, i finally picked up all my guards and perhaps took the probably last sign God has gave me, to approach the lady standing beside me to ask her if i can borrow her phone. I wasn't clear at first when asking , i stumbled with my words. She had to ask me what was i saying again, that part was super embarrassing. I had to slow down and explain to her what kind of situation i'm in now, well, she did hesitate whether to lend me her phone and after that she still did. amen!! I called and the first time , the line didn't get through, i'll explain why later. and the second time, the line got through, i managed to speak to my mom, she was panicking, i felt sooo bad and she asked me where am i and stuff then we came to an conclusion that we miscommunicated ( if there's such a word )? while talking i didn't realize that the lady's car came. So after i'm done , i apologize and stuff, i was pretty much a ball of mess just now. NEVER BEEN SO SCARED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. SIGH. today's must have been one of the worst day in my life. But really, 因祸得福 ( means that you get like a blessing out of the trouble you got in , a blessing in disguise ) , without this incident , i will not have known that my friends cared so much about me. Thank you ybies, thank you cheryl for walking all around J8 , thank you Roger and your sis for texting me and calling my mom and stuff. Thank God for you guys. Can't express how much you guys mean to me now. 

LOVE YOU ALL X 

To pull through X

Happy New Year to all, was supposed to upload this and finish saying whatever nuggets about me before the end of 2014, but as you can see , that night i was busy with the NYE party and countdown so...this is the part i left off the other time so start reading : well i have finally decided to get my lazy ass off the bed ( not really, was out the whole day today ) and started blogging after missing from this space so long. Actually missed blogging but i'd just refrain from this space alittle and did more other personal stuffs. Some of you might ask how was 2014 or none may ask but screw it , just gonna thrash things out here , firstly to the anon living in the well for so so so long an tried to stir things up between CL and me again, nice try, bruh. But you have failed quite miserably, both of us was laughing at you. Also 2014 was filled with lessons, was young and stupid, almost got into unnecessary relationship , cared about too much of things and just dived too deep. I mean why should or did i spend like days thinking about someone who is trying so hard to bring me down and just laugh. If i'm happy with what i'm doing , i won't give a shit to you anymore. Laugh all you like man , as the saying goes, "let's see who have the last laugh." Last year was a year filled with roller coasters of emotions, why , simple, a lot of changes were made and different people left my life and i wish to leave them there, more people came and formed this super strong friendship , YBIES. Thank you ybies, for being here , super big font for you guys, my pillar of strength.  What would i do without you all in school. They were really a blessing in life. Also Nic and Cheryl , 7 years of friendship never dies, crazy outings, weird talks and bimbo movements. Geez , we actually did sooooo much together. After which, i shall start with some pics. Common shot of people's passports and air tickets ..

<< pic of plane ticket and passport cover , from Yuvie, thank you for the third or fourth time!! love ya!!  >> 

pretty streets of bangkok, by the way, if you're wondering where i stayed, i stayed at Centara Watergate Pavillion Hotel , it's a super huge hotel , rooms are super comfy and the hotel's white-themed. There's this really nice outdoor place for you to eat at and take photos heh. 

was, again , WAS, supposed to blog about Thailand and upload my haul video when i'm back but i filmed the video but yeah, it never got uploaded anywhere. That's how lazy i was during the holiday , as i mentioned from the start , was busy going out and doing other stuffs, should i talk about my flea here or in another post? perhaps in another post, let me know here - ask.fm/siqing 

Before heading to bangkok, we actually went Chiangmai for a good 5 days, it's less crowded there and it's filled with their tradition. The hotel i stayed at was Imperial Mae ping. ( see pic below ) , you'll understand that thats the hotel Teresa Teng stayed at before she passed away :-( 

Had to save the so-called best picture for the last, Yup, i've found the Happy Monday store in Thailand , don't say i never share, it's actually located at Platinum mall but at the other side , walk to Zone 3, follow the signs on the floor, the first visit to the mall , i couldn't find it either and the second time i went , only to realise that they were closed. I went on a Tuesday , just for your info. Was really sad about it and stuff but oh wells, i'll be back for you. soon. 

sorry if the pictures are all over the place, cause when i transferred the pictures over from my phone, somehow everything gets jumbled around. 

Back to closer events, how did i spend my New Years' Eve? Starting in the morning , went to my church's carnival , and if you realised that theres a change in my outfit , the pictures of me in this white "kawaii" japanese crop was when i attended my first service in RN

then went off at around 3 plus to meet the clique at Yuvie's house for gathering , when i reached , they were reaching Annabelle.. such a nice timing , i was eating. Here are some pictures of us while we played at the playground opposite Yuvie's house, i guess no one's ever too old for playgrounds ya. We were running around the entire playground and surely, people were staring at us. Who cares? 

Now to Christmas Party, i just realized i didn't blog about so much of events. nevermind, you all shall get to read it at a go. As for Christmas Party, was invited by dear Natalie over to her house, for the party!! Oh and we celebrated Roger's birthday since it was just one day after Nat's party so might as well since he's busy tmr and i was packed the other day too! 

can't seem to find anymore pictures on my com so i shall sign off here 

*apple hearts*